All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible. T. E. Lawrence
The only catch is that sometimes it’s a long time before I do it. Which is a problem I have and am trying to remedy! I’m going through a period of high motivation at the moment and am doing everything I can think of to push myself to do what I need to do. One thing I want to do is share a few of my shorter-term goals publicly, so that any of you can ask at any time, “Hey, so how is _____ going? Have you done _____ yet? Why not?” and nag me until I complete the task. So here it goes. Here is a little list of first the short term goal, and it’s related longer-term goal. All of these I want to accomplish in 2016.
And my next blog post will be about my recent adventures, so hang in there. 🙂
Short term goal: Learn to speak RP/ British English with the help of a dialect coach.
Long term goal: Audition for (and work on!) the show Versailles (I know Louis XIV will need a new queen in 1669…)
Short term goal: Complete first draft of my feature length script.
Long term goal: Produce and act in that script.
Short term goal: Improve my French (with private lessons and other practice)
Long term goal: Become French.
Short term goal: Complete the weird children’s YouTube film I’m working on.
Long term goal: Maybe make more.
Short term goal: Complete ukulele and guitar courses (online) and write some songs.
Long term goal: Perform in front of audiences.
Short term goal: Get new headshots and portfolio photos taken.
Long term goal: Get a new agent ASAP.
There are so many things I want to do, some have no obvious long-term goal attached (archery club, aikido, meditation, Bollywood dancing…) and are just more for personal pleasure and general well-roundedness, but we’ll throw those in there too! France is a bit odd in that a lot fun things seems to only happen between September and June, so aikido and some dance classes have to wait. I don’t want to make my “to do” list too long here, so I’ll just start with these. Now please feel free to check in on me and make sure I’m doing something!!! At the end of the year I’ll post about what actually got done. 🙂 Bisous.
Well , no new adventures to speak of, but I wanted to check in! I’m actually in Los Angeles at the moment (so, sort of an adventure, but not a new one for me…) and looking forward to an adventure with a girlfriend of mine next month… that is, if my cat doesn’t require me to return to France sooner. I hate having to leave my pets, but sometimes it has to be done. And once in a while, one or the other gets too depressed, gets sick, refuses to eat…. this time it’s my cat. And I do whatever I can, and the pet-sitter does whatever they can… but it doesn’t stop me from worrying. Life would certainly be easier without pets, but they are also one of the greatest sources of joy in my life (well. The cat. Dog has been irritating me more these days. I don’t enjoy cleaning up shredded tampons if I forget to close the bathroom door before I leave).
Anyway, I guess that’s the topic today. Stress. I don’t know that I’ve ever really dealt with it well. I was kind of a stressed out kid. Bit my nails a lot (never leave home without a nail file now!). In the past couple of years I discovered meditation, and in the past two years have gone from meditating like, once a month, to meditating nearly every day. From only 5 minutes, to 30 minutes a sitting. Even last summer, I couldn’t hold still for 20 minutes. My goal is at least an hour a day.
I realize as I’m writing this, that although I’m on a mission to de-stress my life… it’s more about learning to deal with the inevitable stress in a healthy way, rather than eliminating the situations that bring me stress. What I’ve been trying to do for years is drop things and people from my life that bring drama. Trying to find solutions for things that stress me out. Too many things in storage. Too many things at home. Finding reliable pet care (they are always with a different person every time I have to travel, most of the time in an unfamiliar environment). Uncertainty about income, about living arrangements, inability to plan too far into the future. I keep working through all of that, but it takes time. And even when some of these things get resolved (no longer dealing with a mobile home as of this year!), other things come up. I can make changes in life, but the unexpected will still happen. And I need to train myself to just deal with it. What happens, happens. Stress is optional.
I have some internal stress that I think is a little strange, though, too. In the past few years I have had less motivation to focus my energy on work that doesn’t seem to have a real impact on the world. I love acting, I love dancing and singing and would love to do more of it. However, I’ve wanted to do something of more importance. I’ve wanted to work on myself, to make myself a better person. I’ve wanted to explore and understand the world and other people. I’ve wanted to lead a healthier life, and leave the urban settings I’m most familiar with. I’ve wanted to find a way to truly help others on the deepest level possible. I’ve wanted to find more like-minded souls, and have felt a growing distance between me and those who have no interest in the spiritual realms. Some of those people were previously very close to me, and don’t understand where I’m at these days. It can make difficult relationships (at least for me), to not be able to discuss what is most important to me. To me, it seems that they don’t see the value in my time spent studying and figuring things out, or the time I spend meditating. To me, it seems they would rather me be doing something active, something they recognize as productive. And when I need time away, or feel the need to seek something without really being clear on what… I feel that they think I’m being frivolous. So I feel a lack of support, which causes some stress. I feel unsure if I can count on them to help me, since they don’t understand my path. So I feel the need to sooth their irritation while at the same time trying to move forward on my path. This can lead to some melt-downs on my end, sad to say.
My inner world is still a bit of a mess, I suppose. And I’ve been trying to deal with it from the outside-in, most of the time. Because we’re all more focused on the physical world and tangible results. There are still definitely days when I feel I have so much to do that I skip meditating altogether. Which is completely backwards, but it’s so hard to change the way you’re used to thinking. I know I wasn’t raised to think there was value in sitting with your eyes closed for lengthy periods of time.
But during a recent meditation session (actually, a guided one, not at home alone) I had one of my moments of “what can I do for the world?” and the answer that came to me was that this, meditating, was the best thing I could do for the world. Because it changes me, and then I affect those around me, like ripples in a pond. It may feel like I’m doing nothing, but I’m really doing some important work. And then the meditation leader spoke, and repeated precisely that thought. I almost laughed.
I often wonder how long it will take until I tame my brain. How long until I have a peaceful outer world reflecting a peaceful inner world. How long until I stop beating myself up over how I feel I fail others and fail myself. How long until I no longer feel like I’m searching, but have found. And what will it be like on the other side of suffering? Will I allow myself to even get there? Because I even feel guilt over feeling happiness and feeling satisfied with life, if I know that others are not. Sometimes I almost feel obliged to suffer (If that doesn’t make sense, picture that friend you have who perhaps owes you some money, but you see pictures of them on Facebook out enjoying drinks, smiling… surely you’ve had that thought of “hey, they told me they were broke and had no money, what are they doing out spending money having fun?” You expect them to be suffering). It’s a long, somewhat maddening journey… but I keep going.
I’m a terrible adventure blogger! I’ve been having adventures and haven’t said a peep in months! But seeing as it’s the last day of 2015, I felt it was an appropriate time to play catch-up.
Back in October, I took a little vacation from France to where I assumed would be warmer and dryer. Mallorca. I spent about 4 days there, two of which it rained, but I did get to spend some time at a few little (crowded) beaches and wandering around the city. I was surprised to find several vegan places (including a vegan bagel place), though I ended up eating a lot of pizza and Indian food!
I would definitely return, although I would love to see some other parts of the island that I couldn’t get to by bus (I tried – and then that day turned out to be a holiday and the bus schedule had changed). The nearby island of Ibiza is also on my list…
My gosh, I just realized how many islands I’ve been to this year. Three! In Panama, Spain, and the US! It’s a record for me! I guess I finally really realized how much I enjoy tropical water…
In November came the shocking attack on Paris, and since then I’ve wondered if I wanted to say anything here about it, or not. It was definitely a frightening night. I stayed up until 3am texting and calling and pinpointing my friends. Only weeks later, walking around Republique, did I realize that one of the restaurants that was attacked was on the corner of the first street I landed on when I moved to France in 2011. It was jarring to come face to face with the shattered glass , drooping roses tucked into the bullet holes. So much ignorance, fear, and hate in the world… so many innocent people affected by it.
In December, I headed back to Los Angeles for the month, and also ended up going to Maui for 5 days. It wasn’t originally on the agenda, but how can you say no when you have the opportunity to go to Hawaii? I hadn’t been since 2005, and was thrilled to seek out the rainbow eucalyptus trees again. It definitely brought back memories of my ex and his kids, but new memories were also made, and… a new ukulele bought.
It was a lovely trip. Breakfast at the bnb was amazing every morning. The weather was lovely (only a bummer on the day I went down the road to Hana and wanted to swim in some waterfalls but couldn’t because of a flash flood risk). I saw whales for the first time. I saw rainbows every day. The water wasn’t as warm as I remembered it being, but it’s December, so perhaps that’s why. I’ve been cooking coconut banana pancakes nearly every day since arriving home (thank goodness I don’t really put on weight!).
And now I have less than a week left before waking up in France again.
Every time I get on a plane, I think about the blank pages ahead of me. Every trip is like it’s own book, with an airplane as the front and back cover. I read it from cover to cover and then tuck it away on the shelf in it’s own special spot. I’m always sad when I reach the end… Yet I always gain something that gives me joy, too.
Part of me wanted to write something about starting a new year, but… every day is the start of a new year. Every day is ripe with exciting possibility. I haven’t been particularly productive this month, but I have so much I’m itching to do. I’m finishing up a little web series (for children). I have a beautiful new ukulele to play with, so much music to make. I have renewed my excitement for acting and film and have new goals and plans. I have new friends. My YouTube channel (the ASMR one) is growing as I put more serious effort into it. And every day I get closer to knowing what my purpose is. There’s so much more… too much more… too much to even remember, sometimes.
Gosh, I don’t know what else to write, right now! Well… Happy new year!!
As I made the hour and a half journey home from French class yesterday, I thought about America. America, the land of convenience. America, where you can find practically everything and anything you could want. Vegan food galore, Crossroads Trading Companies everywhere I go! Garbage disposals, elevators, hot tubs… and if you don’t feel like leaving home to buy something – order it online! Life is freaking easy as long as you’ve got enough to pay your bills with some to spare.
I remember back when my job was painting houses. They were mostly in Malibu, and I remember standing in one child’s bedroom, staring out over the ocean and thinking… what will this child’s life be like? Will they feel entitled? Will they always expect this standard of living? Will they always have this standard of living? Will everything else be a disappointment and a shock?
After that moment, I have often have thought to myself (and said out loud) that if I were to have children, I would not raise them in America, because I would not want them to become accustomed to such convenience and luxury, only to find it difficult to face life as the majority of the planet experiences it. Even going from Los Angeles to Paris, another big city on the other side of the ocean, it’s shocking how much less convenient life is. Once you stop fighting it, you get used to certain things. But if I were to have children, I would raise them somewhere even less convenient. A visit to Los Angeles or Paris would be like a trip to Disney World. Built for convenience and fun, but you don’t want to live there.
We – nearly everyone I know – have it better than so many people in the world. We have more money than most people in the world, even if we don’t have much. We have beds. We live in safe communities. We have food. We aren’t fleeing war, we haven’t lost our families and all of our possessions. Compared to so many people in the world… is much in our lives a disaster? Even if we aren’t pleased with our current situation… isn’t it usually something we can get through? Isn’t our life one that someone else could probably be wishing they had?
This year has been full of “emergencies” for me. Pet emergencies, dental emergencies, etc… I’ve been blessed with enough money this year to take care of them and bounce back, but I recently have been faced by yet another emergency, this one bigger than all the rest combined. Don’t worry, I’m alive, the pets are alive, everyone is alive. But it’s got me in a thoughtful place. The mobile home I own (and have for sale, anyone interested? It’s near the beach!) couldn’t take the recent heavy rain and the roof needs extensive repairs, as does some of the ceiling inside. I was quoted several thousand dollars and a repair date was set for the end of October – the soonest available time slot. I’ve had to make some major adjustments in my expectations for the coming year to be able to afford this, but after allowing the stress to take me down with a cold for a week, I was ready to roll with the punches. However, after gathering my strength again, I was told that the person I rent the mobile home to also wants thousands of dollars for being inconvenienced, which I simply do not have. Therefore she has decided to move, leaving me in a precarious situation that threatens to throw me into debt whether I like it or not… with a mobile home under repair and up for sale, and no money to cover any vacant time between renters. Which brings us to today, as I sit and ponder why we demand so much out of life, and out of other people, and why our first thought in America is to turn to lawyers rather than have compassion on one another and work together.
Life isn’t always safe or convenient, and we can’t expect that someone else make it so for us. OK, OK, I’m sure some friends reading this think I’m a hypocrite, because I can definitely be a princess sometimes trying to recreate my American life everywhere I go, but this is part of me I am working to change. Life outside of America is definitely helping me to accept the present moment and appreciate what I have. I am at least intellectually aware of how I should approach life, and am still working through my convenience-loving tendencies.
But back on track. Things happen. And we will be inconvenienced. But even if I am suffering, why should I cause suffering to another just to ease my own? Why would I demand things from someone who has less than I do, even if my lawyer or anybody else says I could? I’m sure I have the “right” to many things, but if I feel it’s unfair to someone who has less than I do, then I decline to exercise that right. If you have less than me, I don’t want anything from you. Am I the only one? It seems that people like to get as much as they can, and they don’t care where it’s coming from.
But there are some people (Americans) who understand how imperfect life is. I had a friend in Paris with a horribly warped floor for months, and then it was finally ripped out and he had no floor (well, cement) in the hallway for months more. No compensation for inconvenience or safety. I have a friend – in LA! – who goes without electricity on some days, and does not get any rent reduction. I have had experiences where I am inconvenienced without utilities or without use of a room, and I have not demanded nor received any monetary compensation. When everyone is doing their best, and I can deal with the temporary situation (as inconvenient as it is), I am learning to accept it as a part of life. And I am doing my best. I am not putting off necessary repairs, and I am compromising my own comfort to get it done. It’s my responsibility to keep the house livable, but I don’t see it as my responsibility to make sure that everyone else’s lives are free and clear of any inconvenience. This is what renter’s insurance is for, right? lol. But seriously. If I’m renting from someone I know is struggling financially, and nature decides that today is the day to make life a little harder on both of us, I don’t try to completely finish wiping this person out just because I may have the option to.
Maybe this isn’t all a mind-blowing revelation to you. Maybe you don’t suffer from the American convenience mindset. That’s awesome! Whew. And maybe I think about this a lot because I suffered from it for a long time (and am still recovering), so it’s concerning to me. And embarrassing because I am part of it. But I’m changing. 🙂 I swear!
I have a goal in life to help people, and what I want to do is not something I will earn any money from, because I will be giving to people who have nothing. Want to know what my goal is? 😀 To buy land (probably in Panama), build a house, and grow moringa! I want to help educate people about moringa and give away the plants I grow. I’ll welcome travelers, who can also learn about it and help me with the gardening. I would also like to learn about and teach energy healing, going out into the world and healing people (leaving someone else to run the farm!) This is the basic plan. Much more I want to do with my life. But to make my goal happen, I need to earn and save money. The longer it takes me to save it, the longer others go without help. And it frustrates me very much. This coming year I had planned to visit Panama again for a longer stay, and visit a moringa farm while I’m there. I also had planned to FINALLY get to India and learn about moringa and other healing herbs at an herbal hospital. But this recent incident has been a major setback, and could get even worse with my renter moving out, if I don’t find someone new right away.
For now, I do what I can to cut back, and I do what I can to create new income streams. I meditate and work on cultivating a positive attitude to attract more wonderful people and situations into my life. It’s been discouraging, not only losing so much money this year (although I have been really blessed that I have earned more money this year than last, and have been able to get out of my credit card debt! Praise God! Woo hoo!), but witnessing the dark side of the American spirit. The funny thing is, it makes me want to give more. It makes me want to put more money into my Kiva account, to sponsor another woman to go to school, to give money to friends who are struggling more than me… I haven’t done these things… yet… (obviously I’m in a little rut right now, with money)… but something about having people who don’t need money ask me for amounts of money that I can’t give them, makes me want to compensate in some way. To make up for it, to the universe. To have double compassion! To say, yes, I have faced setbacks. Yes, my life is not perfect and I do not like the situation I am in. But I know that someone is facing worse, and I want to help ease their suffering, because I have the power to do so. I will always, somehow, have enough power to ease someone else’s suffering. And if I am in a position to do so, then that is what I must do.
We’ve got to get over this attachment to convenience. It’s not a right. We are so blessed in our lives. Too blessed to be spending so much negative energy on a temporary setback. Too blessed to be trying to make others suffer so that we can have more.
If you want to help ease the suffering of others with less, I want to recommend the following:
OK, so this is such old news but I’ve been busy/lazy.
When I moved to Los Angeles in 2000, I stayed on the couch of a new friend for a few months while I worked my butt off as a non-union extra (how much did we make per day? I think it was $48/8 at that point). My friend was a dedicated viewer of The Daily Show, and so I became one as well. When I moved out of her house, I moved to an apartment where we didn’t have cable, and I was cable-less for quite a while. Then came the time I was in a relationship with someone who had cable, and we began watching The Daily Show together. Years of Jon Stewart. Oddly enough, Jon actually reminds me of that ex. Both great interviewers with a silly streak. Anywaaaaaay.
When that ended, I was back to being cable-less, but not too long after, I discovered thedailyshow.com .
The Daily Show was, to me, the only show that I was excited to dream about being on. I don’t watch other news shows, or late night shows. I always hoped something I did would pay off and I would get to be on the Daily Show, and meet Jon Stewart. Well, that just didn’t happen.
But while visiting my family in July, I decided that I would regret it, flying through NYC and not at least trying to go see a taping of the show. So I did. I wasn’t able to get a free ticket, but the morning of the day I was going to go stand in line all day, I found someone selling a ticket on craigslist. Thank you, craigslist. $25? Fine. Done. I tucked a little note for Jon (just a thank you and good luck kinda thing) into my purse and headed out. I was about 50-th in line. Safe. I sat on the pavement, gradually inching my way closer to the street to give the person behind me more space, as the sun crept higher and the shade grew. A store close by had cleverly set up business renting chairs for $5. A few people took advantage of that offer.
I believe we were out there for about 3 hours before the line started to move and we all shuffled forward to say our names and get our numbers. Then we had an hour or so to go run around before coming back to stand in line again. I took the opportunity to walk to an old friend’s new apartment not too far away, and rehydrate myself.
Back at TDS, we formed small groups on the sidewalk, and were ushered inside, first to use the restroom (I don’t know if I’ve ever been so panicked about what would happen if I really had to pee, because they weren’t going to let anyone in or out of that studio during filming) and then into the studio. I don’t know how the view was from the other seats, but I managed to have a camera crane smack in the middle of my line-of-Jon-Stewart-sight. I ended up watching one of the screens, and his teleprompter, most of the time. Anywayanyway, backing up. Someone came out to rile up the audience… he talked with some people… one man said he worked for Verizon, which got a huge groan out of another audience member. So he was brought down to introduce himself to Mr. Verizon, and say why he hated Verizon. He said it was because they were a monopoly, basically. Anyway!
Before the show began, Jon came out for a little Q-and-A! I did not have a Q for him to A, but others did, and I marvel at how some people’s brains put smart things together. And I marvel at the smart responses other people have to these questions. Where did I go wrong?
I am rarely star-struck or excited to see celebrities (although it’s always cool), but this was one of those times. I suppose because I’ve seen him on TV for ages. Hours, and hours… days and days of him…. to see him in 3-D… I just wanted to reach out and touch him. But he was too far away and that’s just creepy. His suit was so nice. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone in person with such a nice suit.
So we watched them film the show! I actually laugh more when I’m watching it at home, and I had to wonder why. Maybe because I could see him better. I could see him part of the time. But when you’re watching from home, it’s as if he’s talking to you. When you’re watching in the studio, it’s watching someone perform. He’s performing for a camera. You’re more aware that there are words, there’s a script, it’s just like what you would do for your own little YouTube video. Or I would. It’s less spontaneous (most of the time) than you would think. But he’s sooooo good at it.
The guest on July 23 was Ta-Nehisi Coates, who I was not familiar with at all. If you’d like to watch the interview… well I shall give you the link below. 🙂
Jon didn’t stick around after the show, and we were instructed to leave our weird voodoo shit with security on the way out, so that’s where I left my good-bye letter before heading back over to my friend’s place.
It’s going to be strange not having Jon around. Some days, when I’m feeling lonely, tuning into The Daily Show is like inviting a friend over. No matter where I was, no matter what around me had changed, I could go online and see Jon. OK, sometimes it was more difficult, depending on the wifi connection. But I tried.
I wish I could be more eloquent in expressing what Jon Stewart and The Daily Show mean to me. I know no news is ever completely unbiased, but watching The Daily Show, I felt like I got more facts and less BS than other sources. I knew that he was not too proud to apologize for errors. I loved to get updated on world news by someone who didn’t really take themselves so damn seriously. I love that they would say what you were thinking, about ridiculous policies or statements that had been made. I loved that I could get updated, and laugh about it, rather than be submerged in all the horrible things that are happening around the world. And it’s just him. Someone could say the exact same words and present in exactly the same way, and it wouldn’t be the same. I will miss him.
At least for now, I can turn to John Oliver once a week, and I will tune in and check out the new guy, but oh the Jon-shaped hole in my life! You shall be missed.
Have I mentioned how the new Cinderella movie may be my favourite movie? I just watched it for a second time on a flight and love how it inspires me to “have courage and be kind.” Another little phrase I add for myself (and I’m not sure where I picked it up) is “give first.”
For some people this advice seems to be effortlessly easy to follow. Though of course, that’s only my perspective of it. These people who gave of themselves without asking anything in return, these patient people who would never take things personally and always forgive you for being an imperfect human.
I wonder about the psychology of it. Does it come from being a very secure person? Someone who knows their needs will be met, and in turn can help others get theirs met?
I feel like perhaps it’s something I struggle with because as one of four children, we always had to compete for attention and make sure someone took care of our needs. We had to be a little louder to express our individuality. I’ve had a tendency to be more self-focused in times when I’m stressed, have little money in the bank, and little attention to spare because it’s all wrapped up in trying to figure out life. But those things should be no excuse for not being present and aware of other people’s needs.
It can be fairly easy with strangers, even if they’re rude or obnoxious, to remind yourself that it’s not about you and to be kind to them anyway.
But it gets harder with people closer to you, for some reason. It’s harder not to take it personally when they are expressing their insecurities. I have a tendency to want to put them in their place! My ego pops up and I want to say, “I think you have a problem that needs to be addressed!” But every time I do that, it only puts them more on the defensive. You’d think I’d learn. It can also be hard because they know you as who you have been in the past. You have a certain relationship with them, a certain way of interacting that can be hard to step out of. You both play a role, and a change in your perception completely changes the relationship between the characters in this play. Sometimes it’s for the better, though! Most of the time, I hope.
It’s quite an exercise, to try and always be aware of the needs of those around you. To stop being focused on your own inner world all the time and see how you can reach out to others. Of course we need to care for ourselves, we can’t just quit work to go help all the old ladies cross the street all day (or you could). If you have dreams and goals, you don’t have to put them aside. It’s just being aware of what you can do, when opportunity presents itself.
But if we’re not careful about our motives, we can get stuck in a rut of “I do everything for everyone else, but nobody cares about me.” I mean that’s one way of looking at the situation (and I’ve looked at it that way before). But I think in some situations this ties together being kind to others, and also taking care of our own needs. For instance, you could think you’re always being kind to a person who takes it for granted, and let it fester inside you until you blow up at them, even though all they did was accept what you offered as though there were no strings attached. If you’re a couple, for example, you could get annoyed that your partner always leaves their towel on the floor or something. Maybe you’ve pointed it out in a teasing way, but not in a way that is a direct request. So if one day you go strangling them with a towel, they don’t know what your problem is. Or perhaps you find yourself seemingly doing most of the dishes. You may just do it because it needs done, doesn’t take much time, and not everything in life is split 50/50 unless that’s what you actually agree upon at some point. But if you let it start to bother you and think it’s not fair, then you’re just making a victim out of yourself by not speaking aloud an agreement with your co-dish-washer. And it’s another story all together if one of you has a hard time sticking to an agreement, but then again you both should be kind and also take care of yourselves, perhaps swapping one chore for another.
Or you could be the kind of person who keeps a running list of how you’ve been kind to others in your life, and have come to a point where you don’t make it pleasant for someone to accept a favour from you. Or you create a great long speech about all you do and how you can’t take on any more, instead of simply saying “it would be really hard for me to do that right now, I’m sorry.” You may martyr yourself, doing things for others but making them fully aware of how put out you are by it. Nobody needs the story of your life when asking a favour, they just need a yes or no.
But my point is that we need to watch ourselves and make sure that we are kind to others because we genuinely want to be – we want them to smile, to have an easier time – not because we want recognition. We all should be kind. It’s not that we’re going above and beyond when we’re being kind. We are all falling short of the mark, which is to be constantly aware of how we can be of service, and also to forgive others when we feel they have been unkind or have failed to be kind to us.
I feel like much of my life, somehow, has been about making sure my needs get met, making sure that, when hordes of background actors run for the pizza, there’s a piece for me too. But I’ve been in transition, becoming the person who gives the best piece of… whatever we’re eating…. to the other person. The person who can enjoy something even if it’s not quite what she was expecting. The person who observes rather than gets angry, and tries only ever to have a kind word to say. The person who doesn’t keep score, and who volunteers herself with grace and without resentment, never being a victim. Because when you’re kind for the sake of being kind, for the sake of loving everyone as people who need to be loved, you always win.
As some of you may already know, I made a trip to Panama in April. Other than some brief weekends in Cabo, this was my first real journey into Central America.
Part of me feels silly, thinking about what to write, what was the same, what was different, what surprised me… as if I were the first person to discover the country. I didn’t stay there long enough to be able to give a deep commentary on the culture or people, but I feel like I should say something about my journey! I mean come on, this is my adventure blog! A journey anywhere helps us to examine ourselves and discover more facets to our souls, to see how similar we are to humans everywhere else, and to see how different we are as well, reflecting how we were raised and what we were taught. It’s a hands-on opportunity to share knowledge and to challenge one another.
I learned what a cashew looks like on the tree. I learned that junk mail doesn’t exist everywhere. I learned that the ideas of organic, sustainable, solar-powered lifestyles are reaching far and wide. I learned that not far from a city where people can pay thousands of dollars in rent for their apartment, live people in tin huts in the jungle… I still have many more questions, so much more to learn, than could be learned in 10 days.
I spent my first full day in a car, driving with another couchsurfer from Panama City to Bocas del Toro. It was a long drive, and we watched the terrain go from dry and brown, to a Jurassic Park-like lush forest, complete with several rainbows along the way. The drive was long, and we arrived at the docks after the last official ferry had gone. $40 later, we were on a ferry heading to our island. This ferry was not what I had expected (teaches me to expect anything! I keep thinking I’ve learned this lesson…), being a small boat with a motor and a tent-like enclosure that bounced across the black waves towards the faint lights.
The next few days were spent at a hostel called the Aqua Lounge, where we would observe mostly younger travelers jumping into the ocean pool, partying late into the night, and eating the free pancake breakfasts. The first night however, my travel partner gashed his foot on a barnacle trying to rescue a girls phone from the ocean, and we got the experience of a visit to the local hospital one morning. That experience was enough for me to cross Bocas off of my “I could live here.” list. But as my first ever experience in a hostel, not bad. The people were laid back and friendly, and it was set up for having a chill time over the ocean. Was not a fan of sharing a bathroom and shower with an unknown number of people (one of whom vomited in the shower during the party night, after I had gone to sleep), but there were no major problems.
The ocean was warm, and there were rumors of bioluminescence (I would ask several people about this, and rainbow eucalyptus), which will have to wait until my next trip for me to discover. I wanted more time, to climb through the tangled jungle trees, to swim in the ocean, to do all the things wood and water nymphs do.
On the long journey back into the city, we had to find an alternate route, because the main bridge was still closed thanks to the Summit. The city had nearly emptied during this period, because of all the road closures and hassle it had caused, and I wondered what it was normally like.
The film festival had begun, and it was time to pick up my fancy lanyard and other goodies, which included a 6 pack of beer. Because I was in Kendal the Explorer mode, I saw few films, and opted to experience a few days in Coronado at my couchsurfing host’s brother’s hostel (did you follow that?) Villa Lilimar, to try and get my fill of the ocean and a more relaxing existence. We were the only guests at the hostel, and spent all of our time with our host, driving around picking mangos and avocados from neighbourhood trees, buying our dinner at the supermarket (not the organic store, which doubled the price of several items that are currently in my fridge, and did not sell any fresh fruits and vegetables).
I enjoyed the stillness, the sun and the calm blue water of the pool, so much that I only went to the beach once. I mean, it wasn’t like the Bocas beach, anyway. It wasn’t freezing but it wasn’t warm. It had black sand (which is really cool! But really hot!). And I was told if you walked up a bit, the waves were calmer. But I was being lazy, and my friend’s foot injury prevented him from getting too crazy and adventurous, so I didn’t mind the relaxing days in the shade by, or in, the pool. We even discovered some giant balloons after a day or so, which became a foot condom for him, and he was able to get in the pool.
Back in Panama City, I walked around the old city for a bit before attending the closing night’s film, Whiplash. There, I tagged along with the only English-speaker I had met to the afterparty. We explored upstairs, downstairs, outside, ate appetizers and drank wine (I think everyone might have been tired of all the beer!), danced to the singers and the DJ, and said hello to everyone he knew. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
The next morning, I had a lunch date with a woman I had connected with online, Rosalind Baitel. She’d been living in Panama for about 30 years and ran one of it’s only Crossroads-like secondhand shop, Promises. So of course I had to buy a few things, including a cute pair of pink Ferragamo heels. All profits go to charity, so hey, I was just doing a good deed! Luckily Copa lets you check your luggage for free. We talked for an hour or so, and I got very excited about the potential of Panama, for someone like me. I know “the grass is always greener” and I thought the same of Paris years ago, but this time I have that essential missing piece – contacts. Which I still lack in France.
I didn’t do a lot with the rest of my day, but hung out with my host in the evening while eating some (um, bad) cheap vegan food (basically rehydrated dehydrated seitan – but a take-away meal was $3.60!). Bedtime came fairly early, as my flight was at 10AM…. it had gone by so quickly, and I was a bit frustrated that I couldn’t just extend my stay to explore more… but my pets were waiting, and I have to prep for France, so… it was not to be.
I won’t get into my Panamanian-TSA rant here, we’ll save that one for another day, but let’s just say if anyone out there owns a private jet, I would be so grateful if I could just fly with you from now on. I’ll bake cookies, brownies, a meal, whatever. I’ll pole dance on the plane, just please, please don’t make me fly commercial ever again.
Back to Panama. Yes. I look forward to going back. To seeing my new friends. To making more new friends. To discovering tropical paradises and having new adventures. To figuring out what value I could bring to the country (I’m still figuring that out in regards to France, though I think it has something to do with vegetarianism). To exploring the nearby countries, and the Caribbean (because it’s about time!). And maybe next time, rescuing baby turtles in Costa Rica and visiting my brother down in Chile. I can’t wait.
If you’re interested in seeing more of my photos from Panama, click on the Instagram link above in the menu! If you want to keep up-to-date with me via photographs, be sure to follow me on Instagram, too. 🙂
And heck, while I’m here, enjoy this video, part of which was filmed in Panama. I didn’t have a clear vision going into the making of this video, nor a real cinematographer on hand… it’s a learning process! I also still suck on guitar, have some kind of allergies, and haven’t invested in decent recording equipment other than a lavalier mic that didn’t seem to want to work the day I was working on recording. But I’m not out to make things perfect, just to keep creating, experimenting, learning, (this time, I learned things about Final Cut Pro X, though if anybody knows what on earth this long black/grey track is that is attached to my main clip… email me. It’s making fade-in’s and fade-out’s impossible without exporting to iMovie) and hopefully get better at what I’m doing. Also if anybody is interested in collaborating on anything, let me know. I would love a talented team to work with! It’s really time to start polishing up my own songs… and they deserve REAL music videos.
So… what’s a normal reaction to learning that your car window has been smashed, and your car most likely burglarized?
1. Shout expletives
3. Roll over in bed
In my +/- 14 years in L.A., I have never been burglarized, and my property has never been vandalized. OK, when I first moved here, my purse was stolen at a party. Bad first impression of L.A. And my car got hit within the first month of owning it, but since then, also no real damage done.
But this isn’t really the story of my car. I’m only talking about this because I’m actually a bit in awe of my emotional reaction to the situation. It was like watching a different person. And I really believe it was because of meditation and mindfulness. This is not a usual occurrence. I still have some emotions that get way out of whack, making me feel like the Hulk at times (aaaahhhhggggg, Hulk smash!!!) but I’m really thinking that eventually, that will be a thing of the past! Petty irritations be gone!
I’ve been just drenching myself in all sorts of reading material on how to get rid of stress and worry (check out Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living) and I think it’s beginning to set in. The meditation and prayer are definitely powerful when emotions are overwhelming me and I need to give up the need to try to control a situation. And I’m faster to frame things in a more positive light now, which is why when I overheard my neighbour talking to someone about a car…. realizing she was describing my car… having been broken into… I didn’t go into a panic. I closed my eyes again. Because really. It’s been done, right? I’m not going to stop someone in the action. Whatever I have to do is what I have to do, and surely it can wait 15 minutes. Unfortunately she woke me up knocking on my door (really couldn’t wait ’til I took the dog out or something?) so I walked down to see the damage.
The thing that bothered me most was that my Elsa cape appears to be missing. That is a frustrating loss because it meant I had to pay over $80 to order a new one to “rush” ship from China, and make a temporary cape for the meantime. The insurance company told me, “oh yeah, the window will cost more than $250,” which is my deductible… and I wasn’t pleased about that, but ya know…. There are things I can’t change and just have to accept. So I threw on my Keep Calm and Let It Go shirt (remember that?) greeted the police, and then headed out to the repair shop.
There, I had a rental car waiting for me (free, thank you Geico. Just $11 for insurance, which makes no sense, because Geico is insurance…) and one of the guys told me that if they could, they would knock down the price if there was minor cosmetic damage. I enjoyed my Dodge very much for a few hours, before returning for my car, and a bill of…. $50.
There were some positive side-effects to this whole thing. I spent a minute talking to my neighbour, who is so loud sometimes I feel like she’s in the room with me. And I feel like we have more compassion on people if we know them better. Sometimes. I did hint that the walls and windows were very thin…. lol. Couldn’t pass up the opportunity. I also realized that maybe my love of taking photos of details could be put to good use. I’ve had a slow introduction to Instagram and finally decided that maybe I can share photos of small details, especially in “bad” situations, to encourage myself and others to slow down, to pay attention, and to see the beauty in everything.
I like taking pictures, but never really knew how to share them, or what would make them worth sharing. Now I have an idea. I’m sure I’m not alone in it, but I do have my own life and circumstances that will influence my photos. If you haven’t caught it yet, my Instagram feed is rigged up to a page on this website (look up at the menu bar). So please follow me if you’re interested! Let’s hope that terrible, inconveniencing, expensive accidents don’t come along too often, of course. But when they do…. I feel like every day I’m a little more prepared to deal with them. And it makes me so happy I want to squeeze someone!! I thought my mind would just always and forever be clinging to things, whining and upset, but it’s not true!
I thought I would probably always feel these things, and only learn how to control my reaction. But waking up and dealing with my car on Monday showed me that no, the feelings can actually be absent, too. I really can be cheerful, maybe even happy, when outward circumstances would make the average person boil over. It’s awesome. Give me more of that. I’m liking where life is going.
I love learning, I love “self-help” books, quotes from wise people, and try to appreciate it when I learn a hard lesson in life. But I feel like I’m growing so slowly! I look back on my life and think “remember that situation? If I knew then what I know now, I would have been able to deal with it much better.” But I suppose we all grow at our own pace, determined by many factors in our early lives. I know lessons I might have been able to learn sooner (remember my last post? I knew the book The Power of Now existed, way back in 2005. I even thought, “I should read it, so I know what on earth this girl’s character is talking about in this scene.” But did I?) but for some reason they came later. Sometimes I wonder if we pass up chances to learn and grow that we won’t get again. Or if we get a second, third, or fourth chance. If God puts something or someone in our path because we need it, but we say, “no, I’m not ready for that” or “I don’t want that,” and we lose out on this experience that would have shot us forward in our growth. I don’t have the answer to that one. I suppose the answer would be that even if it were true, you can’t change the past, so just keep moving!
Anyway, the lesson I’m struggling with these days is that you need to give to receive. For instance…
I want better friends! Well, it means I have to be a better friend.
I want more financial security! Well, I need to give, believing that God’s supply is infinite and I do not live in lack.
Basically… it can feel like I have to give what I don’t have. Give friendship to get friendship. Give money to get money.
But I get it. I do get it. It’s presenting an attitude of love and abundance, which draws more of the same to you. It’s not living in your head, for yourself, always thinking about what you lack, what you want, but focusing on others and how you can improve their world. In the process, yours improves as well.
Some prayer/faith/energy healers say that sometimes when they let God flow through them to heal other people, their own ailments are cured in the process. How could they not be, when love is flowing through you?
One of my favourite poems is one by Saint Francis of Assisi. I try to keep it memorized to recite to myself sometimes, because I think it’s the perfect reminder of how to move through life.
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
I can tell I’m not yet at the highest version of myself, because I can still get quite butt-hurt when I give and give and give and give and then get taken advantage of, or ignored, or hurt in some way. I know my time is finite, and I must be wise in who I give it to, but I also need to learn that I give because of who I am, not because of who the other person is (other than another child of God) or how they will “repay” me. But then that also gets confusing if you do have sort of self-centered motives behind it, such as “be a friend to make a friend.” So my mind runs in circles trying to sort out how I should behave and think.
And when I think of the advice to rely on God, and give of what I have to others who have less, because He’ll take care of me… I think, well, I’m already awfully close to the edge, it’s a pretty big leap of faith to give money when I’m in debt and have no savings… how do I really know You’re going to take care of me? I have to take the leap before I see the net. It’s very hard to let go. It’s hard not to worry about tomorrow, though I know it does no good. Plan, but don’t worry.
One thing I’ve learned recently is that when my mind is troubled, when I’m stuck on a particular worry, to meditate. To pray. To medi-pray. When worrisome thoughts are crowding themselves into my head and I find it hard to breath, I sit down and close my eyes. I pick a phrase appropriate to my situation and repeat it either out loud or in my head. I give thanks to God for everything I have in this moment, and give thanks again that He will deal with this situation. I know that by worrying, I’m not being productive at all. But by radiating love and gratefulness and saying, “Lord, I give this to you, because I can’t control it,” I find myself relaxing and refocusing. Sometimes I nearly laugh at myself. I could start a meditation sit sobbing my eyes out but by the end… I’m cool.
It’s really saved my sanity, and I believe is moving me forward to being the person I want to be. The person I know I am, underneath all the grim I’ve gathered on the first part of my journey.
So I guess I’ve covered two lessons in this post. Give what you want to receive (even if it feels like passing around the cake before you cut it), and don’t worry. I think these are the big lessons in my life these days. And I’m really excited for the day when I’ve finally, really learned them. What big lessons are you learning at the moment?
Of all the things I appreciate about Paris, one was my time in the metro. Wherever I went, I usually had either a book or my Kindle with me, and would whip that thing out as soon as I took a seat. When it was too crowded and I had to stand, I would still try to read. This is something you can’t do in a car. Sure, you could listen to audio-books, but how are you going to bookmark or take notes? Here in L.A., I have to be content with reading at home, instead of multitasking like that. But I have motivation! A giant pile of books to read or re-read in order to continue on towards my goal of a more minimalistic lifestyle. Sometimes I get on myself about how long this is taking (and not just with the books, but the 4 bins of stuff I want to get rid of, too), but I guess the process is different for everyone. And every journey begins with a single step, as they say!
Last year, however, I discovered Goodwill bookstores. And I left with armfuls of books. Three of which, however, have made it onto my “books I tell everyone they should read” list. But I really can’t go back in there again. At least until I’ve read the books I have. I have a lot of books to read… I’m trying to get rid of everything I don’t need, and books are heavy, replaceable items so I’m hoping to shorten that stack considerably.
Anyway, I figured some of you might find yourself on planes, trains, or other forms of public transportation, in need of some mind-stimulation, so I wanted to share what I enjoyed reading in 2014.
One of those books I should read once a year as a refresher, as it really has the power (well, you have the power, it just helps you find it) to bring positive change to your life. I first heard of it in an acting class way back in 2005, and always meant to read it. Just didn’t until now. A close friend read it last year and got so annoyingly preachy about it that I decided to read it and get it over with, finally. I liked it. And I’ve kept myself from getting preachy about it. Basically, Eckhart Tolle points out that to find peace you can’t live in the past or the future, but right now. If you think about it, most of our thoughts are about things that have happened, or things that we want (or don’t want) to happen. We are rarely present, focused on this very moment. And if we can be present, we can appreciate what we have, right now. He doesn’t use this example, but I keep thinking… what if I woke up today and knew nothing about my past? I only knew what I have right now, and I didn’t know what my future plans were. What if I could just walk through my life, without carrying the fears and pain from my past? Oh, just go read it, it’s a best-seller. 🙂
Another one I should read regularly. I put the four agreements in my email signature as a daily reminder (it’s a good place for them, since it can be easy to just snap off an email to someone you’re irritated at). The four agreements are:
Be impeccable with your word.
Don’t take anything personally.
Don’t make assumptions.
Always do your best.
And of course he expands upon them in the book. I think keeping these things in mind really helps with relationships of any kind, and helps to create more peace in your mind. When you realize that everyone else is living in their own heads, has their own problems, and isn’t (usually) out to purposely hurt you, you can focus on what you can control – yourself and your reactions.
This is a book I’d heard about for a while, but growing up in a pretty traditional Christian setting, thought it was probably blasphemous or something. But for $2.99 I figured I’d give it a go. Then I went on to read the next 2 books in the series. I have to admit it’s been a while since I read these and now I’m blanking on specifics, but I thought it was an interesting read, and brought up some questions and answers for me. Like, why do we feel that God spoke to people thousands of years ago, but not today? But then why do some people say they talk to God, or hear God talking to them… but if they were to write it down, or write a book, we would think they were crazy…. It’s like “true” Christians think God is dead. Eh.
OK, this one is embarrassing. Not because of what it is, but because of how long I’ve had it before starting to read it. And the person who gave it to me will be reading this blog. 😀
I’m finding it interesting because I rarely read books that combine Christianity and the Bible, with the concept of creating your own reality. And this was written a century ago! I’m about to type up a document of all my favourite “affirmations” and examples so I don’t have to bring the book with me to France. But there are so many! With everything I’ve been learning about God, and about the world, miracles and science, I love to see how they actually complement each other when you know what you’re looking for. I think the problem with modern prayer is that we don’t truly believe that we have what we’re asking for. It’s like wishing for blue sky during a storm… you have it. It’s above the storm clouds. It never went away. Believe it’s there. I definitely need to put my faith into practice, and this book is a good motivator.
This may seem like an odd one. But if you believe in angels, then why not believe in other spirits, too? I’m sure there are all kinds. The Findhorn Garden was a garden started several decades ago in Scotland, in a very inhospitable, sandy spot. But the plants grew to enormous sizes, because the founders would communicate with the spirits of the plants to learn how to make them flourish. Even if you don’t get into that aspect of it, it might make you take a second glance at the world around you. Now when I pass gardeners just hacking away at plants, I almost want to yell at them to stop. When I see how we tear up and cement over nature, leaving struggling little weeds in the depleted dirt, I wonder how we got so far, so unconnected to the earth. I can’t even keep a tiny potted plant alive. So yes, this is a recommended read if you want to feel like more of a connection with nature is possible. I know I, for one, am going to spend some time this summer meditating in the forest with the fairies. 🙂
So those are my book suggestions of 2014. I know this post is late. I’ve been lazy about it. I have a lot of books to read right now. 😀