Perpetual Motion

OK, I swear after this one I’ll have something useful or deep to share! lol. I just know I haven’t been writing much and I wanted to touch base. Hello.

Today I was on a Skype call with someone discussing the latest thing I’m trying to accomplish (it’s early, I’ll share about that later, I promise) and once again got to the point of conversation where I get asked:

“So how long have you been in France?”

And I have to answer:

“About 2 years.”

And at that moment, every time, the whole thing flashes by and I wonder what on earth I’ve been doing. And then I always realize that so much of my time is just spend moving or preparing to move. Looking for a place, packing things, buying things, unpacking things… and moving again. In my current place of residence, I have become very unhappy, but I stick it out because it was only for 3 months, and the search for a new apartment is all-consuming. I want to use my time more wisely. But I did just consider leaving after the first month or two. For anywhere. A couch. Whatever. What was making it a bit more bearable was that halfway through this month, I thought I would have 2 weeks to spend in another apartment. It’s an apartment that I help manage, and between guests I go and make use of the shower, toilet, freezer, internet, washing machine, stove, and bed that does not require a ladder. At that point, I thought “yay! I can spend time with my dog!” so I got her from her baby-sitter, who is on her way to Sweden for a week. And then the place got rented. I mean just yesterday got the email. So after dragging all of my living supplies, all of my food, over there…. I was packing it up again and walking up 7 flights of stairs with a Yorkie. Who promptly needed to go outside again. We’re both exhausted.


But the point of this story is…. I’ve spent a lot of time moving around. I love to travel, yes, but I have no real home base, and it’s exhausting now. So much of my physical and mental energy is spent just trying to secure a place for me and my things. I have most of my things in storage right now, and the rest of it will join at the end of the month. By the way, does anyone want a mattress, a juicer, a dehydrator, or a toaster?

It’s frustrating to think that this basic necessity of having a home, somewhere of your own, somewhere to depart from and return to, has evaded me for so long. And it’s kept me distracted from the more creative and productive things I want to be doing. And I’ll only be doing more moving around for the rest of the year. Yes, to some places I want to go (still hoping for India!) but with nowhere to call home. It’s like being lifted off the ground by a balloon, it can be a fun ride, but I have to hold on tight until there’s some solid ground again.

It’s different if the goal is to be traveling around, always moving, but my goal was to set up home in Paris, and make little trips out, while learning French and working on my creative pursuits. Not hopping around, living in 5 different locations within Paris and the suburbs within 2 years! That’s just insane! Insane… so yeah, no wonder I feel like I haven’t gotten much done. My average in L.A. was a move every year, until the last few years… my last place of residence lasted 3.

I need to resolve this, but I’m not sure how. It definitely means leaving Paris. I can’t afford a decent place to live here, and my cat is now in L.A., where he can be happy going outside. But I don’t want to leave forever. I want to come back and continue working on things. I don’t know. I don’t know how I will figure it out. I’m sure I will, but it may be as exhausting as the past 2 years have been.

Any other travelers out there with any advice? I know one thing that would help would be to earn more money. The less I have, the more stuck I am. I’m working on it, I’m working on it. But these things take time…. I don’t want to bounce around, I want a home base for me and my pets. But I don’t want to give up travel, either.

Whine whine whine, from the girl in Paris.

Speaking of travel, did I tell you I’m going to Barcelona at the end of the month?! I think I did. I’m excited. Here, watch some fireworks:

  1. Look at the bright side – there isn’t any moss growing on you!

    I think resolution is escaping you because you might just be wanting two conflicting things. A place to call home, probably stateside, and, to travel for many months of the year. The latter typically requires a lot of your stuff be with you, somewhat defeating your place to call home.

    Since you appear to have a travel penchant for western Europe, I’d find a cost efficient place in a vibrant city on the US east coast. Travel to Europe will be cheaper than from LA, so maybe more frequent, and less lengthy trips would allow you to spend more time “at home”.

    Having no sense of “home” is unsettling and wears on you mentally in ways you may not even recognize. C’mon, Dorothy, you need a reason to click your heels!! 🙂

    1. Haha, definitely no moss. A lot of sweat though!

      The guests decided last night that the apartment was not to their liking, so early this morning (pffff I’m not going up and down 7 flights of stairs just to let the dog out. I’ll just leave at the same time) I dragged my things back over there. Or here. I’m here now. I need a shower.

      The problem with the east coast is…. I don’t know anybody there. The person I want to be with lives in L.A. And I would need to be in a place where there’s film work. Regular film work, because my survival job is background work (which apparently is a huge secret in Paris because I can’t get any) and my goal is real acting work. Every place I travel, I’m trying to meet people within the film community and think of how I can do something film or music related. But I know even with these connections, that the real work is in L.A. I’d thought by this point in life I’d have a career where I could live on my tropical island and just go to L.A. when I had to work, but it hasn’t happened yet! So I’m spreading a wider (worldwide!) net. I’ll go wherever there’s work (Hello, Bollywood!).

      On my travel list…. I want to get to Thailand, French Polynesia, Caribbean, South America, probably more time in Spain because I bet I’m going to like Barcelona…. mmm some Mediterranean islands sound good too. My long term goal is to find the perfect tropical place to place roots. It’d be great if French and English were the languages, since I’m determined to learn French and not lose it! lol

  2. When I was seven years old, a teacher told my parents that if I made more effort I could one day be an architect on account of my artistic abiities. At seven years old, when somebody says “architect” you don’t think of a regular Joe drawing up plans for a loft conversion, you think Sir Christopher Wren. I already had a slightly inflated ego at being considered the best artist in my class – maybe even my year – so I really ran with this idea. I would often sketch buildings and draw plans in my spare time. At 12 years old when I came time to choose which subjects I would study for the remainder of my schooling I chose all the ones I need for a successful career as an architect. When I left school and went to college, rather than continuing with higher level studies of generic subjects (Math, English etc.) I chose an obscure course in construction on the basis this knowledge would be much more useful when I became an architect. Whilst studying on this construction course I applied to several universities and was offered places on the back of my art portfolio. Everything was set for me to go on to study architecture and qualify as an architect. However, during the second year of college course I was sent to work at an architects practice for six months. I was super lucky and found myself at one of the UK’s top practices that specialised in renovating historical buildings. I loved the experience: I enjoyed drawing up building plans (still done by hand back then) and loved the praise and attention my artistic impressions were getting from people who’d been top architects their entire careers. But, I realised being an architect wasn’t for me. There was a lot more to it than just sitting at a drawing board that I didn’t care much for. Unfortunately, my whole identity was wrapped up in being an architect. Everybody who knew me knew that’s what I wanted to do. All my family knew including distant relatives knew – I’d always been proud to tell them so and had my ego massaged whenever I showed off my art portfolio. I was supposed to be the first person from my dad’s side of the family to go to university. But I just didn’t want it anymore, in fact I never had a burning passion for it at all. I just wanted to use my artistic and problem solving skills – that’s what I enjoyed doing. Luckily it all worked out in the end and I found something else I liked to do.

    Kendal, if you have a burning passion for acting and want to act more than anything in the world, then stick with it. You’ll know deep down if you have a passion and have jumped at every opportunity to practice (however amature or lame the script). However, if acting is just something you like the idea of, or think it’s your only skill because some said you were good at it once, or if it’s just a means to a different end (becoming famous so you can help others like Audrey Hepburn did) then you are wasting your time and need to find something else to do before you waste another 10 years getting nowhere. There’s nothing wrong with quitting the right things – people should do more of that. But it’s definitely wrong to stick with something just because your whole identity or ego is wrapped up in an idea.

    1. Hello, Linus. 😛
      It’s tough. I always feel like I’m a doll on the shelf, and when I get to act or sing, I get to live. It frustrates me that my high point was still that stupid bit of acting I did on Buffy, when I stood in, dressed the part, read the words, and got to feel like I was part of something bigger. Acting for something real… even though in the end, nobody would see my face or hear my voice. I have people around me now who want to work with me…. but they have nothing for me right now. I’m just somebody they really want to work with, “when I have the right project for you.” Which can take a very long time. I’m not interested in working with people who don’t know what they’re doing and aren’t turning out a quality product… I’ve done that. With film… it’s forever. You do it, you’re on film, it’s there. I need to know that I can trust the writer and director. I rely on them as much as they rely on me. It’s a team effort. But I can’t do everyone else’s job, nor do I want to. I want to work with a good team, because it’s not just about “getting the chance to act, whether the script is shit, or the end product is shit!” Because I care about the end product. It’s like… like those houses that pop up everywhere in Pacific Palisades. They bought this real estate in a great location, tear down a house that’s survived for over 60 years, and then use the cheapest materials possible to build a grand big new one. They could have made a beautiful house, but they made a cookie cutter house with flimsy glass windows…. I’m interested in building nice houses. Houses that last, houses I can be proud of. Not houses built for the sake of building houses. OK, sure, not every film is going to be a masterpiece or change the world…. but if you choose to work with talented people, your odds might be a bit higher. lol

      I like being a part of a production. I like being a cog in the grand machinery. A dancer in the corps… we’re all working together, all doing what we enjoy and what we’re good at…. and all watching proudly when we see how it all came together. I don’t have any other skills that make me feel as alive and a part of the world as acting can. I don’t know how else to explain it.

      I’m very excited about Barcelona, because I’m going to spend time with someone working on my music. His guitar skills are much better than mine, and being away from “home”, and having someone to help me focus, I think will really help. We’re going to try to perform, too. This is what I’d like to do more of…. being creative, making something, connecting with an audience… maybe we’ll get some tips, too. Lol. We’ll need them…

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